Monday, July 9, 2012

nothing to prove

Well I threw it all away.

I've been going through the house and purging like nobody's business.  It seems the right thing to do given all the changes coming with The Move that's looming in the near future.

I haven't even blinked during most of the trashing of my former treasures.  It's fascinating how something can seem un-lose-able one day and a few years later it holds virtually no value at all.  I imagine there's a life lesson or deep insight there somewhere, but I'm kind've into skimming across the top of things right now.

One doesn't trash her former treasures without doing a fair amount of skimming.

Anyway, I've been trashing willy-nilly for weeks now, but today seemed just a bit different.  I knew it was there somewhere, and had already decided its fate, but didn't come across it until now.  I had considered not even looking inside and just tossing it straight out, but fear of losing something still valuable forced me to peek inside.  

It was all there.  The details likely wouldn't matter so much to you, but the not-so-great memories evoked by mere glimpses still take my breath clean away.  

(Interesting, isn't it, our ability to be transported to another place by snippets.)  

I tried to stick close to the surface and not dive straight in, and resolutely I continued to chuck things in the ever-growing pile of the discarded.

But still...

Somehow in a way that's difficult to explain, this bit of no-longer-relevant continues to have some manner of value to me.

I'm reasonably sure it isn't a healthy value (is that possible...unhealthy value?) but it still stung.  

Today I threw away evidence of a storm that was real and hard and terrible, and also full, and rich, and productive.

Today I threw away "proof" that it was just as big as I thought at the time and that I was as sincere as I believe myself to have been.  

Validation, if you will.

Somehow it feels terribly dangerous to just. let. it. go.

What if I need to prove something to myself some day?  

What will I do then?

I suppose I'll just have to remind myself that with God's grace I have nothing at all to prove, and then leave it all where it belongs...

Long-gone, with all of the other out-of-date, no-longer-treasured treasures.

Life is for the living, after all, 
and apparently, for today, God has some living left for me to do.

(A Thousand Gifts #1190-1199)

projected breaks in miserable heat & promises of raindrops

freedom from what was 

sweet new pictures

growing piles of the no-longer-necessary

easy access to effective meds

just...sitting, all together

little boys falling asleep in the middle of the visiting

the delicious peace that comes with realizing there's simply no proof required :)

Happy Monday!

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