Tuesday, February 22, 2011

That Ethel was Underrated

(I desperately DESPERATELY wanted to title this nonsense Stay Loose and Drink your Juice, but after exhausting consideration I was afraid it would be in poor taste as it could be misunderstood in...at least a couple of ways.)

(I still think it's quite catchy, though)

* * * * * * * * * *

I have discovered over these last days that I tend to be my most brilliant, and clever, and just PRECIOUS when delirious from the fever and the misery and the SUFFERING that is the The Flu. 

In my humble albeit delirious opinion

Unfortunately, like most of my thoughts/observations/clever witticisms in general, the majority of those observations are probably not appropriate for the worldwideweb and should thus remain unshared.  Also, some of them are just downright unflattering and even stray toward the whiny. 

Burning questions such as -

If a grandma whines & complains and moans and groans
and no one is around to hear her does she really make a sound?

- should probably go unasked.

However, there are a couple of things I have noticed that just might be helpful to someone out there SUFFERING in a similar situation.

I care about y'all so much, and if just one person can learn from my experience then it will have been worth it all.

1.  I have discovered that if a 45-year-old lies around on her sorry...couch, for more than a couple of hours in a row she might just stiffen up and age approximately 10 to 30 years.

If ya have to lie around and suffer, make sure you get up every hour-and-a-half or so and do some stretching exercises, maybe a few jumping jacks, just to stay loose.

Trust me.

2.  If you take your first shower in two or three days, give your hair a good washing, wrap it tightly in a towel, lie down and sleep for two to five hours (waking up at some point during that time and pulling said towel off head and going back to sleep), when you rise and finger-fluff said hair, it just might look kind've well, intentional...and a little bit cute.

However, it will not look cute on day two.  Also of note, this is likely a one-time only type of success.  Kids do not try this at home on a day when the stakes are high, such as needing to go to The Walmart, or maybe TMBS.

3.  This one makes me sad, but I feel I should warn you that when at the peak of The Suffering, sodas - including my beloved Pepsi - might likely not hit the proverbial spot.  My beverage of choice when feeling all terrible-ish?  Well.  That would have to be the stereotypical - but always a crowd-pleaser - apple juice.  extra ice of course.

(Please note, I have no comment at this time regarding secondary issues that could potentially develop from the above-mentioned beverage.)

Apple juice.  It does a body good.

4.  I am also very VERY sorry to report that replacing your eating calories with said pepsi/apple juice/sprite/grape juice/sweet tea/smoothie calories will not, in fact, help you take off your winter chubby weight.  I KNOW!! Right?


5.  When feeling under the weather, Netflix can be your friend.  Oddly enough, when I have the most time, just lying around being completely useless and lazy, I have a hard time enjoying reading, or even watching the tube.  I guess it might have something to do with all THE SUFFERING.  That being said, Netflix is great with the options.  I've enjoyed me some Murder, She Wrote with a little Monk & Psych, as well as about 32 seasons of various Law & Order's, with a bit more Parks & Recreation thrown in. 

(Sidenote:  Apparently I favor the formula murder mystery shows in which the victim likely "deserved" it and didn't suffer at all and the mystery is neatly solved in approximately 43 minutes.  Hmmm.)

All that being said, my favorite viewing this week, hands down by a landslide?  A little Debbie Reynolds flick from 1963 by the name of My Six Loves.  In my humble opinion you cannot go wrong with Debbie Reynolds playing a starlet with a little technicolor and six adorable orphans and their accompanying mutt thrown in for good measure.  Although frankly, and I'm not gonna lie, my favorite in the whole movie was her sidekick, Ethel.  Every gal needs a sidekick and she was a DELIGHT, she was.

I am rambling on as I desperately try to think of a clever little way to wrap this up coherently, but I'm all out of coherence.  I guess the fever's down. 
So let's just try this shall we? 

In summary, don't lie around to long; drink your juice but don't expect it to make you svelte (just LOVE that word); when it comes to your hair there is always hope; and go forth and locate yourself a sidekick.

Happy Tuesday!


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